I’ve had this idea for about as long as The Force Awakens trailer has existed. You know the one, it looks like this. I’m also stoked about this Force Awakens version of the Original Trilogy trailer.
I figure I need a few people willing to look goofy, pretend to they know about cinematography, and who are nerdy enough to appreciate corny Star Wars parody when they see it. I imagine it looking like this (again, if you somehow forgot what The Force Awakens trailer looks like, this will make even less sense that it does now):
CHAR WARS “TRAILER” (In the style of The Force Awakens Trailer)
OPENING SHOT: Sweeping panorama of a trout stream on an early spring morning, lush green vegetation gently swaying in the breeze.
CUT TO: Young kid walking through the brush, grim look upon his face. He stops at the edge of the stream bank and stares into the sunrise.
OLD MAN (V.O): Tell me, young man, what brings you out this far?
CUT TO: Silhouette of an angler in the midst of a fly cast.
YOUNG MAN (V.O.): I don’t know…
CUT TO: Close-up of OLD MAN handing YOUNG MAN a blue-hued fly rod.
OLD MAN (V.O.): Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough…
CUT TO: Wider shot. YOUNG MAN rhythmically waves fly rod through the air.
OLD MAN (V.O.): …it’s your father’s Fenwick. Not as clumsy or a random as a baitcaster. An elegant rod for civilized fishing.
CUT TO: YOUNG WOMAN, in the halls of the Capitol, being handed an OMINOUS PIECE OF PAPER. She looks up from it, face full of concern.
YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.): Years ago you served my father in the senate, now I beg of you to help me now…
CUT TO: EVIL POLITICIAN DUDE turns to his UNDERLINGS in his senate chambers. He pushed an OMINOUS PIECE OF PAPER across his desk to them.
EVIL POLITICIAN DUDE (V.O.): We must set this public hearing for tomorrow. There will be no one to stop us then.
CUT TO: OLD MAN looking concerned.
OLD MAN (V.O.): You must come with me to the capitol and help me stop this bill…
CUT TO: YOUNG MAN stands near a new area of commercial develop, rod in hand. It is clear this used to be a vibrant stretch of water.
YOUNG MAN (V.O.): There’s nothing left for me here now. I want to join you and learn the ways of the fly like my father.
CUT TO: YOUNG and OLD MAN are standing along the banks of a stream. TWO STRANGERS approach them. One is a roguish gentleman with a black fishing vest. The other is bigger, a bit hairy, with long dark hair.
ROGUISH MAN: Charlie tells me you guys are looking for a streamer…
CUT TO: ROGUISH MAN drops an ARTICULATED STREAMER into the palm of the YOUNG MAN.
ROGUISH MAN: I call it the Millennium Sculpin.
YOUNG MAN: That it’s? I could tie up something better than this…!
ROGUISH MAN: Yeah, but who’s gonna fish it kid, you?
CUT TO: A bunch of other cool stuff. Look, I don’t have all of this story boarded out yet, but some ideas include some crazy fishing action, EVIL POLITICIAN DUDE being evil for some reason, a scene where the OLD MAN throws a FAMILIAR BLAST HELMET over the YOUNG MAN’s head to help teach him how to fly cast. Also, CHARLIE slamming a beer and then yelling out in the fashion of a famous, furry alien that’s not ALF.
FINALLY, CUT TO: OLD and YOUNG MAN, ROGUISH MAN, and CHARLIE standing in front of the capitol.
OLD MAN: We must be careful. You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
ROGUISH MAN: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
CUT TO: EVIL POLITICIAN DUDE overseeing the public hearing. YOUNG MAN tentatively walks forward to give a deposition.
OLD MAN (V.O.): You cannot escape your destiny. You must confront him…
CUT TO: EVIL POLITICIAN approaches YOUNG MAN after ending of hearing. He is inexplicably carrying a red-hued fly rod.
SCENE EVIL POLITICIAN moves in for kill, swinging the fly rod above his head as the scene fades of black…
YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.): You are our only hope…
Bring up title sequence: CHAR WARS